Script Page

INT. CAR - DAY

Jackson: What are you having?
Alexis: Do they have the white mocha?
Jackson: [to the speaker] Do you have white mocha?
Speaker: We do. Will that be hot or cold?
Alexis: Hot.
Jackson: Hot. And an Americano.
Speaker: Is that all?
Jackson: [to Alexis] Is that all?
Alexis: Yep.
Jackson: [to the speaker] Yep.
Speaker: Pull up to the window, please.

Jackson closes the window and drives forward. There’s a line of cars.

Alexis: Did you bring sunblock?
Jackson: Yeah.
Alexis: Towels?
Jackson: Why would I bring towels? There are towels there.
Alexis: You can’t bring those towels out, Jackson. For god’s sake. You need your own towels.
Jackson: Well, sorry. I didn’t bring any. What kind of AirBnB doesn’t offer towels?
Alexis: Whatever. There’s probably some place we can buy them there.
Jackson: Alright.

At the window, the girl at the counter hands them their drinks. Her eyes linger on Jackson.

Girl: Here are your drinks.
Jackson: Thank you.

They drive off.

Alexis: Did you bring lube?
Jackson: I thought you would bring that stuff if we needed it.
Alexis: If we needed it?
Jackson: I didn’t think you needed lube. We never stop to use lube when we have sex.
Alexis: That’s because I come prelubed.
Jackson: You mean before you even go out of your apartment?
Alexis: This is my problem with you tops. You have no idea what it takes. Before we go out, in anticipation of lovemaking, I shave, I douche, and I lube. That is my burden. That is my curse. And if you took it up the ass, you would know that. And you might even grant me some sympathy.
Jackson: I’m sympathetic. I appreciate that you do all that. But I still didn’t know I was responsible for the lube.
Alexis: No, no… That was my bad.
Jackson: We could always raw dog it.
Alexis: That would be too painful.
Jackson: I know a girl who used butter. She got a yeast infection so bad she almost died.
Alexis: Were you the guy? Was it you who suggested the butter?
Jackson: I never combine food and sex. Both are best when dirty, but if you try to put those two dirty things together—well, it’ll make you sick.
Alexis: You’re so wise. Your sex wisdom never ceases to amaze me.

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

Alexis and Jackson are in the doorway. Alexis opens the door. It’s their four friends: Benny, Laurie, Tom, and Erin. Benny is holding a white urn with Michael’s picture on it. They greet each other and then move into the living room. Benny places the urn on the coffee table.

Alexis: Well, there he is.
Benny: What’s left of him anyway. Which isn’t much.
Erin: What do you mean? That’s all of him. Just in ash form.
Tom: He’s just condensed into that little jug.
Erin: Honey, it’s called an urn.
Laurie: You guys are talking like he’s not right in front of you.
Tom: Who?
Erin: Laurie’s right. Michael is right here. We shouldn’t speak like he’s somewhere else.
Tom: If you want him to hear us, you should lift the lid a little.
Erin: [slaps him in the arm] Stop it.
Benny: How fucked would it be if we look in there and there’s like a single ear? I’d talk to it like this. [He mimes holding an ear to his mouth] Mike, buddy. We’re here at the beach. We’re scattering your ashes.
Erin: [to the urn] Don’t listen to them, Michael.
Tom: You’re facing the wrong way. [looks up] Right, Mike?
Benny: [looks down] They think you’re up there, Mike!

EXT. BALCONY – DAY

Tom, Jackson, and Benny sit at the balcony. Jackson is on the lawn chair again, smoking. Tom is using a vape.

Jackson: Meet any interesting celebrities, Benny?
Benny: Maria Schreiber. She’s in that new Droid movie.
Jackson: She’s hot. Only reason to see those shit movies.
Tom: I like the Droid movies.
Jackson: Yes. Because of Maria Schreiber.
Tom: No. Not because of Maria Schreiber.
Benny: For someone like you, I guess the plot is meaningful and speaks about the human condition? The way they want to defeat that lizard robot from deep space?
Tom: Someone like me?
Jackson: I think he’s referring to idiots.
Tom: I’m a professor in LA U.
Benny: Not exactly Stanford, is it?
Tom: Benny, you stay at home while your wife brings you her paycheck.
Benny: Exactly. I’m smart enough get by on my looks.
Tom: What looks?! Jackson is the handsome one.
Jackson: I am.
Benny: We’re both handsome. You’re the ugly one, Tom. I’m sorry but this has long been established.
Tom: By whom? You guys might have the looks in like the conventional sense. You know, the vulgar sense. But I have a stable job. I’m respected in my field.
Jackson: You’re respected?
Tom: If you ever get into broad range microscopic spectrography, you’ll know just how important I am. You know what people say when their spectrographs are 12% clearer? They say: Thank you Thomas Delaney! Thank you for your contributions to science!

INT. KITCHENETTE – DAY

Alexis, Laurie, and Erin cook.

Alexis: How was Mike’s family?
Laurie: Awful. They didn’t care about him at all. And we had to go their house. And I swear, that place is condemned. Or should be.
Erin: They couldn’t care less that Mike is dead. Mom said she assumed he had died a long time ago.
Laurie: I think if we left his ashes there, they would have flushed him down the toilet.
Alexis: Have you guys seen that movie Flushed Away? With the rats?
Laurie: Yeah. That was fun.
Alexis: I wish that were a true story. I’d flush myself down the toilet. And live there.
Erin: Humans are too big for that. You’d have to be rat-sized.
Alexis: When I go, please flush me down the toilet.
Laurie: What?
Alexis: As a tribute to my life, I want you guys to flush me down the toilet.
Laurie: You’ll be dead, honey. Even if there was a tiny village down there, you won’t be able to enjoy it.
Alexis: If there’s a tiny village down there, anything is possible. So I’m willing to take that risk.
Laurie: Speaking of rats and sewers and toilets—Benny and I are thinking of trying for a baby.
Alexis: Laurie, that’s wonderful!
Laurie: Yeah, well. We’ve been married for two years now, so we need something to keep us together.
Erin: Have we completely given up on the idea of love keeping you two together?
Laurie: Yep.
Alexis: Is it the male pattern baldness? Because you know wig systems are very sophisticated now. You could barely tell. And you just throw it in the washer once a month.
Laurie: Too much trouble.
Erin: And a baby’s not? You do know you can’t just throw a baby in the washer once a month.
Laurie: Guys, I’m a doctor. I’d be a good mother.
Alexis: You have a Ph.D. That’s not like being a real doctor.
Laurie: What do you think the D stands for in Ph.D.?
Alexis: That’s a figure of speech. That’s like when I call Jackson daddy. I mean, he’s not really my dad, is he?
Laurie: How could he be? You’re so much older than him.
Alexis: You’re a bitch.

Benny opens the sliding door that leads to the balcony and walks in.

Benny: Ladies, are we cooking something or are we going out to eat for dinner?
Alexis: There’s a bar we can eat at. It was nice. We went there last night. Also, Benny, your wife’s a bitch.
Benny: I know. That’s why she’s going to be a good mother.

INT. THE PRINCE – NIGHT

The gang sits at a table, eating, drinking. There is live music. Calm bossa.

Jackson: Did we have to bring him?
Alexis: Of course we did. This is his night.
Jackson: Okay, but… He could have been with us in spirit. He didn’t literally have to be here.

The urn is on a chair, with its own plate of food and glass of wine.

Erin: [her hands on either side of the urn] Don’t listen to the Michael. You enjoy your steak.
Jackson: That’s creepy. That’s a man’s dead body in there.
Alexis: You know, Jackson is like this with my eczema, too. The flakes sometimes end up somewhere and he’s so disgusted by it. When it’s literally just my skin.
Laurie: I have a lotion for that. I brought it, I think.
Jackson: This is something totally different.
Alexis: How is Michael bothering you, Jackson?
Jackson: He’s dead!
Alexis: Exactly! So he couldn’t possibly be doing anything to you. So can it.