It's hard to have friends. And to relate with people. It's not easy, and it's not inborn. And if you doubt that then you need only to observe children. Society, as a whole, and therefore our entire world as social beings, is defined by relationships. Not things, not concepts, not ideas. These things only come into play as a result of our relationship to each other. Take money—perhaps the singular thing that defines our lives, regardless of how materialistic you are. Money only matters, in terms of its value and the rules for determining its value, insofar as everyone acknowledges them. It is, so to speak, fiat. And even when money was not fiat, it depended still on the value we ascribe to gold—which, though rare and beautiful, is in any case simply metal.

Despite this, it’s hard. I look back at my 3 decades (so many, but in the scope of things about as pathetic as it is paltry) I’ve lost so many friends. If not through fights or squabbles then through changing sentiments or, simply, time. And the friends that I do have, I find very difficult to keep. I don’t have many now. It’s better that way, but it is also a matter of who I am, and how I am, that I find it very difficult.

I’m fussy and exacting. At time, I expect so much more of people than anyone could possibly be willing to give. Sometimes, I accept no excuses, no matter how valid they are. Many times, I impose standards that are inappropriate for a situation and berate people in my life for failing to meet them. All in all, I can be selfish and condescending. And it does improve with time, especially since slowly I am conquering the natural human impulses that are incompatible with mature relationships. It takes a lot to do that. Decades, maybe a lifetime. I struggle. But I think that’s a good thing. Most people do not struggle anymore to become better. To become more understanding, more patient, more considerate. They accept it.

Nowadays, that’s something of a cultural trend. We give ourselves permission to be insensitive or even cruel in the name of freedom of expression or mental health. It’s true that we need to change for those things, but there is a contingent of people who take it too far, many times without meaning to. People are inclined towards being selfish; it becomes a justification for them. As a whole, I think it takes something extremely radical for a human person to become truly virtuous or selfless. Something painful, traumatic. And this thing removes them from the human inclination for selfishness because it cuts them off from their own humanity. I do think that is what it takes.